December is bonenkai(end of the year party) season and the parapara scene always has a bunch of bonenkai events and drinking parties.  any excuse to go drinking :)

Last Thursday was the Bonkura bonenkai and Drunker’s High para event.  I was sure that there was no way I was getting out of that event alive but actually it was pretty peaceful.  We did two hours of nomihoudai at Alps in Kabukicho and there were about 20 people there - Suzujun, Herpes, Tetsuro, Naoyuki, Hee-ha, Miki, Muna, Saki, Akko, Yokono, Yuki, Kanako, Ken-z, Ribertomo, Kevin, Manuella, Tero and me plus some people I didn’t know.  We had our gaijin corner going on but Herpes came and chatted with us.  He’s really nice! 

A little before midnight we moved to Shinjuku Pasela for Drunker’s High.  It was nice being back at the old Pasela.  very natsukashii.  Everyone got one tequila shot at the door.  :)  A few more people showed up just for the event - Fusa, Yosshi, Nacchi and Yoshi, Tamujun, Machio and Sayaka.  The music was all 2nd and 3rd boom euro and old techno but it was fun and I actually danced a lot. 

There were two showtimes and a koushukai.  First was Herpes’ show…his usual  show which I don’t think I can post a video of.  x_x  Next Suzujun and Naoyuki and the guys danced AKB’s Heavy Rotation in full AKB outfits and wigs.  I like how drinking was a part of the dance routine too. ^^  The koushukai was Mecha Fireball by Jeff Driller from SEB 215. 

fun event but not as crazy as I thought it would be!  Bonkura shinnenkai( new year’s party) is January 2nd but I’ll be out of the country.


Saturday was Christmas Starfire on Christmas Eve.  I wore Santa cosplay and so did Kevin.  :)   I didn’t have any pre-drinking parties to go to this month and wow that makes a difference.  Starting at 12 instead of 8 means you actually remember everything.  ^^;  There were so many people there this month but oddly they were mostly unfamiliar people.  It was a DVD night - Starfire vol 22.  I’m mostly happy with my performance on Are You Ready to Fly but grr must dance bigger!  The Tequila 5 scene definitely lived up to my expectations :D 

They did the annual Christmas prize raffle at Starfire but instead of drawing numbers out of a box like usual they did something different… Since it was Christmas eve they did something romance themed (Christmas Eve is basically Valentine’s Day in Japan).  They threw heart shaped balloons out into the crowd and you were supposed to find a member of the opposite sex and pop the balloon together by squishing it inbetween your bodies.  There was a paper inside each balloon and if you have a winning paper you get to draw a prize.  Team Long Hair Nori asked me to pop a balloon with him but no luck.  Yuki and I popped about 4 together and the last one finally was a winner.  He let me have the ticket but I feel a little bad! I won the Inocchi prize (I think I won it last year too?)  It was a foot massage board that you step on to massage your feet.  :) 

They played a lot of oldies this month so saishin time was shorter than usual.  They even had fire and Hi-nrg toki. 

But since I wasn’t drunk at Starfire I started thinking and worrying too much.  >_<  got to mingle got to mingle got to mingle.  be approachable be approachable be approachable.  I hung out with Yuki and drank some disgusting vanilla champagne ww.  But events just aren’t the same without Max and Jasmine around.  People just don’t come over and hang out with us as much without the Thunderdome charisma there.  I want to hang out with the cool techno people (Appu, techno Yuki etc) but I still feel weird around one member of that group after that failed attempt to take him home last year.  But towards the end they came and talked to us, well Hiro and Ayumi from Nagoya did, so that was good.  I’m happy about getting attention from guys - Nori from long-ge seems to like me.  But I never know where to go from there - how to make that move from talking at events to hanging out outside of events.  x_x

But Starfire was still super fun and still the best way to spend Christmas Eve if you ask me.  I’m sad I’ll miss the bonenkai tomorrow but the shinnenkai is the day I get back.  :)  My first event of the new year will be Magical Rave?  see you in 2012 Japan!

I went to Kenya Matsuri at Maharaja in Roppongi on Saturday night.  I never really go to Maharaja events so I felt out of my element.  so many 40 year old women wearing slutty Santa suits D:  But I have been to Tenkaichi a few times in the past so there were some people who knew me.  And there were a few people from the younger crowd (Ribertomo, Anna, Ken-z, Yoshiyuki(but he’s too cool to talk to me)).  The eurobeat was all disco, 1ji and 2jikei, and the techno was all Juliana’s, not surprisingly.  Kenya only wants major songs at his events because he wants it to be something everyone can join in on. There were over 200 people at the event wow!

The event wasn’t that fun from a dancing or socialization standpoint, but it was fun to watch.  It was like going back in time to what parapara events were like during the second boom.  A lot of the people at the event didn’t even dance parapara, but that didn’t stop them from going on the dance floor and dancing anyway, or trying to follow along.  At modern events there is so much unspoken etiquette about the dance floor- how much room is ok to take up, where to stand, etc etc, but all that was out the window. 

One nice thing about oldies events -I get so much attention from the guys.  :P  Young guys never hit on me at events.  I got told “You’re the cutest one here tonight.” yay.  But I’m not really interested in older guys…  Also I got to meet the president of Maharaja!  There’s that cool bartender/waiter who’s always there and he asked me if I wanted to go have a drink in the VIP room and I said yes for some reason, and was escorted into the VIP room where the president of Maharaja and some other VIPs were drinking.  I was supposed to be the hostess and entertain them but I’m not very good at that.  The Maharaja president said that he recognizes me from other Maharaja events.  I educated him on the different parapara booms and then techno time started so I excused myself.  I don’t know if that was ok but oh well!

Ribertomo and I both live on the Chuo line so we were going to get the train home together but I lost track of him and he left before I could find him oops.  On the way home I bought some conbini pasta which made me sick to my stomach for the next 24 hours.  :(   I’m so mad I had to miss Shibuya Nation and SEF!  I need more para and more fun times with para people.  I need to get my bonenkai season started.  I guess I’ll have to wait until B-1 on Wednesday and Drunker’s High on Thursday. 

Work had been going to amazingly well since I changed jobs in March….until this week. I’m so stressed because I was put in a ‘screwed if you do, screwed if you don’t’ kind of situation. I was offered a position at the company’s most important kindergarten teaching a completely different English immersion curriculum, basically a promotion. They presented it as an honor and a compliment, which it is. (But at the same time they just want to cover their own asses because they really want to suck up this kindergarten). I was put in a situation where I really couldn’t say no. I was put in front of the company president, vice-president and their son, and presented with gifts (it was just something lying around the president’s office that she probably was given by someone else but still…). I felt like I had no choice but to say yes. Then as I was being briefed on the details of my new position with one of the managers I was nearly in tears because I didn’t want the job but I felt trapped. All the things that made me happy this year were being taken away. (also only a 1man raise is cheap!)

You see, I’m a simple person. I don’t really care about career or money. I just want to work somewhere where I feel comfortable and fulfilled and can pay the bills. My main concern in life is getting my emotional needs met. Most normal people had a family that met at least the bare minimum of their emotional needs for bonding, affection, friendship, etc, so they can now think about other extraneous things like a career etc. And I’ve been so happy since I joined this company in March because thanks to this job I’ve been getting a lot of my emotional needs met. Working in a Japanese school like I used to do on JET is really therapeutic because I get to know the kids, I get to feel like I belong to the school community, and I get a lot of attention and affection from the kids. Also belonging to a team of 18 other English teachers has been has been great because it fulfills my needs for belonging and for community. My life has really turned around since March thanks to these things. My counselor says the same thing. Also I love Japan and I love being immersed in Japanese school life. I might as well live in America if I’m going to English immersion. The new position I was offered would take away that feeling of belonging to a group because I would be separated from the other English teachers. I would attend separate meetings and training and separate summer school. I struggle with abandonment issues so I think it would be a big emotional strain on me to feel left out like that.

So even thought I initially accepted the new position and signed the contract(read: was forced to sign the contract on the spot), I felt so upset and stressed in the following days that I had to email the management and tell them I couldn’t take the job. One of the three managers actually can understand human emotions and took my side and said everything will be ok. But I’m very worried for my future at this company. In their eyes I went from a capable worker with lots of potential who can do things for the company, to a useless average worker who won’t go outside of their comfort zone. I’m a little scared they’ll give me a horrible schedule next year out of spite.

But in the end I think it was good that I stood up for my feelings. better late than never. That’s something we’ve been working on in counseling. Saying no to things you don’t want is something that’s so matter of fact for so many people but for me it’s such a struggle. A guy I don’t like asks me out but I still say yes…it’s a mixture of me thinking that what I want is not important because I’m not important, and thinking that what other people want is more important than I want…basically a lack of self-respect. But recently I’ve been getting a little better at it. I turned down a date with a guy I didn’t like and told him I didn’t have feelings for him, and I felt better for it. And I felt better for saying no to a job I didn’t want.

sigh life would be so much simpler if I wasn’t a good employee… =[ I wouldn’t be asked to difficult things.

I miss the simple life on the JET Program. no politics and no customers to suck up to. But maybe this is what real life is like. Maybe there is no job that doesn’t involve politics and being made to do jobs you didn’t sign up for.

I went to the Koiwa parapara event today with Mani (the event is looking for a name, any ideas??)  Starting this month the event moved to Saturday so that it won’t be the same day as SEF anymore and so people won’t have to worry about work the next day….but there were less people than ever today!  There were only 8 people there today plus the 3 DJs.  Euro Rave in Chiba was last night so everyone was still asleep from ER.  So instead of the drunken mess of an event that it usually is it was a serious dancing event today.  But that was fun too because the DJs play a lot of interesting songs that really make you rack your brain.  There was a lot of 3rd boom which I love and a lot of saishin and just a tiny bit of 2nd boom and techno.  lots of random songs for example I Wanna Be Fat  :0  I danced for basically the entire 3 hours I was there. 

Then after it finished we all went out to dinner at a Chinese restaurant by Koiwa station.  I love going out with para people outside of events because I never really get a chance to talk to them at the club.  It was a weird mix of people - two gaijin, a gyaru, an otaku, a salaryman.  But it made me realize that everyone who does parapara are comrades and I shouldn’t think that people are categorized into different cliques.  In the end we all love the same thing.  I also love going out to dinner with para people because I get to hear gossip.  :)  Apparently B-1 is not losing money which is good to hear.  And I found out Satomi’s age  ^_~  Nao showed us the little audio recorder he brings to events.  He keeps it in his pocket and records the audio of every event he goes to…hardcore!

Anna from the gal circle Vivid was there of course and the DJs said they kept thinking I was Anna from the back.  :D  I wish I was as cute as her.  And apparently they were all trying to guess my age and were shocked to find out I was 29.  Anna thought I was about 25 and younger than Soichiro.  :)

It was nice having a peaceful evening out and not getting really drunk.  Soichiro had his money in a case around his neck because he’s lost his wallet so many times lol.  Well I’ve done the same so I can’t say anything.  I couldn’t drink a lot tonight because my stomach has been weird all day.  Well actually I could drink and feel fine but eating made me feel sick.  A tequila shot and I was fine but fried rice and I feel sick. :/  I hope I’m ok for work tomorrow…yay work on Sunday. 

Also Soichiro was advertising an event he’s putting on:


SHIBUYA NATION

Sunday, December 18

12:45 - 17:30  (before SEF!)

@ Lounge Karasu (Shibuya)

DJ Soichiro
DJ Yamato
DJ Fukui
DJ Yu-ki

genre: eurobeat, techno, anime songs

first 30 people receive Jewel Color lenses

live by Gal Doll, Yumachi and Aina

I like gyaru events but I feel stupid going by myself so I’m glad Mani wants to go to!  That weekend will be killer - Kenya Matsuri, Shibuya Nation, SEF.  :)

I guess I should go to bed since I have work tomorrow on a Sunday ugh

This weekend was two big events back to back on Saturday and Sunday - Starfire and 9LoveJ.

Starfire was the same as usual - big, fun, crazy, drunken.  It’s so hard to stay sober at Starfire!  I try to stay semi-conscious at Starfire but it’s hard.  I managed to make it through the koushukai ok but after that the alcohol got the best of me >_<

They had a DJ battle this month and we got to vote for which guest DJ we thought did the best or had the best song selection, but the only people who entered were Satomi and Bakki.  Bakki won but not by much.  They also had a techno dance off, which is the new thing to replace the tequila drinking contest.  The song was α/Mioco and the winner was Hiroshi from Nagoya.  Appu thinks that they purposely chose an out of towner as the winner so he’ll come to Starfire more aka one more customer rather than have a regular who goes every month anyway win. 

Then there was some ‘whoever loses at janken has to drink’ game playing with the younger people and I don’t remember much after that.  I remember Jasmine being passed out, vaguely.  And then I did the stupid thing I do when I’m drunk sometimes- leave all of a sudden without telling anyone.  I think the last euro set ended and I just up and left right away. >_<  I slept past my stop on the chuo line twice but finally made it home ok. 

Also it seems I left my camera at Starfire…I hope the staff have it  :/


Then on Sunday there were a lot of events going on actually - Hyper Active at Maharaja, and the Vivid gal circle intaishiki(graduation) event.  A lot of para people went to that because Anna from Vivid is a part of the para scene.  I would have liked to have gone but I always feel a little awkward at gal events, especially if I were to go on my own.  But I did make it to 9LoveJ on Sunday evening.

J this month was much better than the J/otaku collaboration event last time.  This time it was 9LoveJ plus Tomomin’s wedding reception.  I didn’t know that until I arrived at Genius.  Tomomin and fellow J staff Ichi got married last week in Hawaii.  So on the main floor they had 9LoveJ and upstairs was the wedding reception (but you had to pay extra to go to that). Technically it was “9LoveJ 2000 night” so it was all 3rd boom euro and old techno, plus a few sets of trance and dance music and AKB.  There were lots of people there because of the wedding so it was fun.  Kenya was there so he made techno time entertaining.  Same as last time it was all you can drink.  Akko-san was there and I enjoyed drinking with her.  :) 




Partway through the night the bride and groom came downstairs there were several toasts and they threw the bouquet and cut the cake together.  It was fun because one of the things I like most about the para community is how close knit it is.  So many people gave gotten married to people they met through parapara or have met their closest friends through the community.  I always wish I could break through and have those kinds of relationships with people in the community instead of the passing acquaintance level I never get past. 

They closed the bar at 10, an hour before the event ended which was dumb :/

dancing parapara in a wedding dress  :D

I have no idea what the next 9loveJ will be like.  It’s definitely not the 9LoveJ it used to be, but it’s still something.


Also, Akko was handing out flyers for the next Bonkura type event.  :)

Thursday, December 22
23:50~
Shinjuku Pasela

Men 2500 yen with 1 drink and a shot of tequila at the door
Women 2000 yen with 1 drink and a shot of tequila at the door

I’m sure it’ll be a hilarious hospital drunk kind of night  :)

Next up this weekend is Trabian Night on Friday at Forum and Magical Rave at Maharaja on Sunday.

Every 3rd Sunday is the Koiwa parapara event and usually it overlaps with SEF but this month they happened to fall on separate weekends so we were able to go. It was only my second time at the event but it’s a really good time. It would fall under the category of drinking event more than serious para event. DJ Soichiro organizes it and they have it at  this little cozy bar in Koiwa. And since it’s Soichiro and Yamato dj-ing, the crowd is mostly young gyaru-sa people, plus the regulars you see at every event. The song selection there is pretty good but I always end up spending more time drinking than dancing.

Mani from Canada just arrived in Japan to study abroad so she came with us for her first para event ever. When we got there the bar was out of everything except for gin wth. I danced a set of euro and techno and then we went out to the little lobby area outside the bar to drink our conbini beers. Pretty soon half the club was out there with us. We signed birthday cards for the people celebrating their birthday this month and finished off a couple of beers. The bartender is really strict and he kept coming out and looking at us so we had to be a little sneaky. Back inside I did a tequila shot and that’s when everything gets a little blurry. They played mostly techno all night because there were lots of techno people there this month. DJ Yuki played New Horizon of course and announced that “the dancers from the DVD themselves are here today.” I guess New Horizon will forever be our claim to fame.

After the event finished we all went out for yakiniku. I love getting to hang out with para people outside of the club because it’s hard to really sit down and talk to people at events. The yakiniku restaurant is mostly a blur…I’m not sure if I even ate yakiniku or not. I had a good time chatting with the techno boys Yuki and Appu. And I finally talked to Kouki the new SEF techno boy.  He’s so cute.  Then all of a sudden it was over and we had to go home. I passed out as soon as I sat down on the train but luckily Max wasn’t as drunk as me and woke me up at Nakano.

Anyway it was a fun event and it’s too bad it usually overlaps with SEF so we can’t go every time.

Today was spent just lazing around the house, pretty boring. But next weekend is going to be brutal. Starfire is from midnight to morning Saturday night and Sunday is the commercial filming so I’ll probably only get a couple hours of sleep. And if filming ends early enough SEF is Sunday night too. It’ll be fun but I’ll be glad when I can sleep!

Last Sunday I went to 9LoveJ at their new location at club Genius in Ginza. Genius is a club usually used for big disco and Juliana’s events which seemed like an odd choice for J. Also the time changed from Friday at midnight to 4pm on a Sunday. I wasn’t really sure what to expect but we made our way to the club along with Neoneo and Momoka who we ran into at the station.

We got there and there was a line to get in. :0 I didn’t recognize anyone but I heard there was going to be an anime floor as well so I assumed they were there for that. DJ Mocchi and Tomomin were working the door. We got inside and it was packed. DJ Mochi later said that 600 people were there. We had to push through the crowd of people to get to the bar to get a drink, and then we went down the stairs to the main 4th floor dance floor. It was all anime music and people were doing otakugei. :/ There were some cosplayers wandering around. We found Neoneo again and he told us that the parapara floor is downstairs. yay finally. We went downstairs to the 3rd floor and all the familiar faces were there. But they were playing top 40 music, like Judas/Lady Gaga… Then some some techpara came on…about 3 songs (stuff like 100%), and then it was back to random dance music. None of the para people were dancing, but there were other random people there who were. Some guys were even breakdancing. There was AKB time too, twice. It was kind of annoying because I wanted to dance parapara, but thankfully it was nomihoudai, and we definitely took advantage of the nomihoudai.

On one hand I miss the “at home” feeling that Shinjuku 9LoveJ had. You knew everyone there and you could hang out in the lobby drinking til morning, going into the dance floor occasionally when a good set came on. But at the same time it’s kind of nice having new people at a “parapara” event. There’s no way I’m going to meet a guy at a para event because it’s always the same people. So as a single female I kind of like the random non-para people at an event in this case. Plus maybe this way some new people will be exposed to parapara and pick it up?

In the end there was maybe a total of 40 minutes of parapara time, broken up into about 5 minute chunks throughout the night. And it was all game songs or really major oldies techno.  There was no koushukai either. I asked Shogo about the koushukai and he said maybe there will be one in a few months. All of the executives except for Saki were there, but I wonder if there’s even a point in having executives now?

It’s sad to see the end of 9LoveJ because it’s an event with such a long history, and personally I have a lot of memories there. But DJ Yosshi is more interested in running a successful business than keeping para alive. That’s the difference between him and Bancho. Bancho will keep B-1 alive as long as he can even if only 7 people show up regularly, because he loves parapara.

I got a call from DJ Yosshi a few days after J and he asked me to be on another CD commercial. :) I’m a little apprehensive about doing a commercial with DJ Yosshi since I’ve been working with Starfire lately, but at the same time it’s just a commercial. It sounds like fun!

 As I said on Facebook last night, If I had one wish it would just be to have someone in my life who I could share myself with and tell them everything I’m thinking and feeling.

That’s basically what my problem is, and I’ve had the same problem for 10+ years.  All my depression just comes from my need for human interaction being grossly unmet. 

The second half of summer vacation got really bad for me because I didn’t have anyone who I could talk to about all the things going on in my life.  For the first week of vacation I was seeing my friend B on a regular basis and it was really good.  I felt connected, I was communicating what I wanted to communicate (still not 100% satisfied but enough to get me by).  And B said some really nice things to me, for example that he really wanted to be there for me and that he felt closest to me out of anyone at work. That last one means a lot because I always feel like I’m number 3 or number 5 or number 7, never anyone’s number 1.

What I want more than anything is just someone regularly present in my life, someone who keeps up to date on me and what I’m doing.  I want someone to know me.  So after a few days of not seeing this friend and after having some adventures I wanted to share I invited him out but he turned me down because he didn’t have money.  I tried again a few days later and the same result…  I wish he would realize that I was just trying to say that I wanted to talk, and needed to talk!  This was followed by a couple more days of sitting around my apartment alone which led to me following into a deep depression…

I just feel so discouraged.  How does one go about getting that kind of person in your life that will be there to talk to you everyday?  It seems like everyone else has it.  It feels like everyone knows some secret that I don’t.   In a way that’s true.  Nearly everyone else had at least semi-normal families that taught them to communicate and have relationships with others in a semi-normal way.  I obviously didn’t have that…  It seems unfair that what is basically second nature for other people is something that I struggle with so much. 

For example, the whole idea of calling people is so scary and foreign to me, but I see people on the phone all the time and I envy them so much.  I just don’t know what’s normal when it comes to relationships with others.  When is it ok to call someone?  Sometimes I think about calling people but I can’t get past these questions running around my mind: Would it be weird if I called them?  Do they want me to call them?  Am I important to them?  Can I make the leap and actually accept the idea that they maybe like me enough that I can call them?  This is all platonic relationships too by the way.  Basically what people go through when they like a member of the opposite sex is what I have to go through in my daily interactions…  I’m 29 years old but there’s never been anyone in my life that I’ve had regular phone calls with (God I don’t want to be my mom!) except for when I was dating Tomo.  Not even my family calls me.  They haven’t called me once in the 6 years I’ve been in Japan.

Well I worked up the guts to talk to B…but he was about to eat dinner so he only talked to me for a few minutes… I wish I had someone who I could actually call and who would take care of me when I need taking care of. 

I saw Cocona at the beach on Monday!  normally I’d be too shy to say anything to her but I was a little drunk so I went and asked if she was Cocona and said I was a fan.  She kind of laughed uncomfortably and that was it  >_<;;;